Over 50, Still Kickin'

A couple of weeks ago we attended the postal retirement dinner held in honor of my husband. You might think it is odd to have a retirement party five months after the fact, but hey, they don't call it Snail Mail for nuthin'. Truthfully, they always have them in March, and all those who have retired during the entire previous year get their moment of glory, unless they have died before it gets a chance to happen. The party happens even if no one has retired -- because of the free dinner.

This year there were two retirees -- a conventional one and the not-so-conventional one (my husband). They both wore suits and ties, much to my surprise. Beebee and I managed to keep our man from wearing the bowtie, so we were happy. The conventional guy's suit was ill-fitting, in keeping with how postal workers normally dress when not in uniform. I have noticed this tradition before, at every retirement dinner I have attended over the last thirty years. Mr. Not-So-Conventional looked dapper. His suit fit him. It did not sag and bunch in weird places. My coaching on attire had absolutely nothing to do with it this time. He pulled off a proper appearance all by himself. I was proud of him. (I married him for his elegant figure.)

We ate the standard banquet affair victuals. Postal parties truly must be abhorred by banquet facility owners, due to letter carriers eating so much. I do not know where they stuff it all. Even the skinny ones manage single-handedly to put more chicken in their gullets than a whole pack of foxes invading the hen house could ever hope to accomplish. I suppose a ten-hour day out in the cold contributes to this talent. They slide it all down with the help of the cole slaw and jellied cranberries.

They all talked about the ten-hour days. Sixty-hour work weeks are the norm right now for everyone, and have been for the last few years. It costs less to work them to death and then get new ones than it does to hire more help. The morale is low. They all thought the Emancipation Proclamation was signed in 1863, but it has not taken effect in the U.S. Postal Service yet. They must have an exemption clause. Paul was one of the fortunate ones: he had a bum ankle and a consequent doctor's excuse that kept him to a forty-hour work week. If that had not worked, he might have tried what some of the others did -- mental distress exemptions from the psychotherapist. I would have felt bad if he had had to stoop that low, but some did, in order to survive.

The union representatives' speeches were all the same as they are every year. We heard about how much better working conditions are now than they were before the Rebellion of 1970, the year of the illegal postal strike which brought the Postal Service, the President, the Congress, Wall Street, and Joseph's Fish Market to their knees, and introduced collective bargaining. Even with working sixty hours a week, the guys were encouraged to be grateful that they no longer work seven days a week for $.35 an hour and live on cat tuna and welfare assistance. Whenever the president of the union's name was mentioned, there were tiny ripples of reverence in the speaker's voice. Someone should have played ethereal music to enhance the moments of awe, but I guess they didn't think of that.

The speakers encouraged us to vote for Obama or Hillary, whichever gets the upper hand, so that all our postal workers do not have to go back to cat tuna or worse. And the guys were also encouraged to think about using the hours left after working sixty hours a week to campaign for whichever Democrat eventually wins the nomination. They wanted them to work hard campaigning for the incumbent Democrat in Congress, too, but most of the guys probably aren't foolish enough to do that, because in the last election, he promised the postal workers at our office a big box of free doughnuts if he won, and he never came through with the food.

When the union mucky-mucks finished their orations, the retirees had their chance. The conventional guy made a standard speech of gratitude which was very nice. He had to behave himself, because he had brought a whole tableful of his relatives to the dinner. Mr. Not-So-Conventional behaved himself relatively well, considering he can always be a bundle of surprises. He paved the way for the rest of his speech by telling what a wonderful support his wife had been to him through thirty years. (I was, too!) He had gone to all the effort of tallying up how many sandwiches I had made for his lunches in all that time -- about 6900, by his count, which is a lot of Wonder Bread! He went on to tell his funny mailman-versus-dog stories in his engaging way. And he topped it off the way they had all known he would, by telling them about Jesus, and how they could be as happy as he is, if they would give their lives to Him.

They gave us gifts. Paul received a watch, and I got a green plant the size of a cedar tree.

I think Paul enjoyed his evening immensely, and the rest of his little family were pleased for him.

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